Tuesday, March 30, 2010

How Did This Happen?

I'm now in my 39th weeks pregnant with my third son.  I've made no secret that I'm not a huge fan of being pregnant and now I must admit to the fact that I'm...just plain HUGE.  I told myself I wouldn't get this way this time...but I let it happen.  I gave myself license to eat things I would never normally touch.  Because of my discomfort, I stopped exercising, which I had vowed not to do.  Basically, I had planned on doing "everything right" this time around.  Ummm...not so much.

Back during the summer between junior high and high school my battle with weight began.  I packed on a good 20 to 30 pounds that summer.  From there I yo-yo'ed up and down for most of high school.  I used to gain and lose weight so quickly that I once "outgrew" my clothes while on our family's two-week vacation and had to wear my dad's jeans.  No teenage girl wants that to happen.

My senior year in high school, I finally got all of the weight off and dropped to about 108.  I went on the most unhealthy of weight loss plans--I barely ate.  Mixed with my new love of swimming on the swim team, I was what I thought to be fabulously slim and trim.  That is until one day a friend told me that I was a little too slim and trim.  She had me look in the mirror and pointed out to my purtruding collar bones.  I was not just thin but way too thin.  She told that I was so thin that I was wasting away and that she couldn't see me any more until I got my problem under control.  That was a wake-up call for me.

For most of college and into my married life, I had my weight issues under control.  I straddled the line between thin and too thin carefully and tried not to get to hard on myself when I would fluxuate by five pounds every now and then.

After my first baby, I lost most of the weight within the first year or so.  With my second child, I lost most of the weight in about a year too, but that year was very, very difficult for me.  I fell into my old feelings about my body and let my issues about weight consume me.  My body image and how I appeared to people around me plagued my thoughts. 

And now, I'm huge again.  I've never made it this far in a pregnancy; my other sons had already been born by this far along.  I'm so incredibly uncomfortable, it is hard for me to move, which means I just keep getting bigger and bigger.  (I swear that this baby is going to rip through my ribs at any moment.)  It's gotten to the point that I don't even want to look at myself in the mirror when I'm wearing a tank top or (GASP) naked.

I have a feeling in the months to come, I will be dealing a lot with my weight issues and the troubling roller coaster of pounds and emotions I have been on since I was so very young.  It's my thing, it makes me crazy, and I will undoubtedly be putting a lot of pressure on myself to look like I used to.  I'm just warning you now, because this will probably be the place where I vent and cry and whine.


Sara said...

Hey! I read you over at Babesindisneyland but hadn't checked out that blog since last year.

I really appreciated this post. being pregnant is HARD. Being pregnant AND overweight is even harder. It just plain sucks. I had my first son in Dec. of 2008. I was already 250 lbs when I got pregnant and became 313 the day I gave birth. So, so, soooo humiliating and horrible and just plain awful. I, too, battle weight issues. I know you are pretty thin to begin with(or petite, based on your pics)and girl, those pounds are gunna melt right off! Especially since you'll be breastfeeding you said.

I ended up doing Weight Watchers because they take nursing moms into account and they really have a great program. Guess what? I'm down to 180lbs! In one year! I have battled weight for a loooong time and now I have 20 lbs to go to get to the top of my healthy range. I'm SURE you aren't as huge as I was , lol, ;), and I KNOW that before you know it, you'll be dropping that weight like crazy!

Ultimately, you're gunna have to make peace with your self image stuff. Being a woman is so hard, but so beautiful! We are too hard on ourselves!

Congrats on your third boy! Keep writing! Cry, vent, etc.! We're here for ya!

THE Disneyalnd Mom said...

Thanks, Sara! You've made me feel a whole lot better!!! I know I'll be sounding off in the months to come.

Congrats on your amazing weight loss! That's fantastic. I may look into Weight Watchers once we settle in with our new little man. :)

Mary~Momathon said...

Congrats and Best Wishes for a healthy delivery! The weight, ugh, it's so hard to not think about it, but really it took 9 months to get there, it's ok if it takes a while to get it off too. I am still finding dieting very difficult because I'm breastfeeding, but making healthy choices is a great way to keep up your calories and feel good too. I'll bet you won't have any problems, especially since you will walk your legs off at Disneyland soon enough!